Once up a time, I was under the illusion I was in control. My Indian name would have been “Chief Big Britches”. Then reality came and slapped me on the bottom like a new born baby. I learned that things didn’t go my way all the time. *GASP*! Frankly, this little nuance kind of irritated me. Seriously, I did everything right and yet… it didn’t happen. I was blind to the ‘whys’. I look back at things in my life and how they always seem to come back full circle. So I had this little game that I played – If I didn’t “win” I wasn’t going to play. That was going to be the guarantee. Maybe it was intuition that told me I would succeed. If it was, I had NO IDEA. I suspect as we all fumble our way around in our formative years, that I was the source of great laughter to my Angels and loved ones, as I tried to run when I barely had learned to crawl. I didn’t care whom my opponent was. If it was playing checkers with my brother, to competing with someone for the attention for a boy. If I didn’t win, I just didn’t play. You can’t loose if you don’t play, right? WINNER WINNER CHICKEN DINNER! So in a way, that was my own security blanket of my cute little abilities. I took myself out of the game if I didn’t win.
As a child, I would want so desperately to do something like sleep over at Stacy or Kellys’ house. I knew darn well about how many months I literally had to bribe my (narcissistic) step father in order for even a CHANCE to be able to. If I couldn’t, I always said out loud in prayer, “there is a reason why, and I trust you.”
So fast forward to all sorts of lessons upside down and backwards as I am in the throws of the “adulting” arena. Ooooohhhh…. This one was a little bit more challenging. I now needed to learn strategizing of the players, their motives. There were people way better than me in this game of life and getting what they wanted. It was like a game of chess so to speak. Contemplating their move to make my move. It was just my way of fitting myself into different experiences and hoping for the best.
As I was now “adulting” more and more, I was also becoming intrigued by “woo woo” stuff. Along with that, came a few phrases that I did not like. They didn’t fit in with *my* master plan! Words like “let go”, “just believe”, and “have faith”. Ummmmm yeah….. that’s a big NO. Let’s just keep doing things my way! First of all, if you haven’t noticed I can be quite stubborn – after all, if you aren’t going to let me win and I KNOW IT… I’m not gonna play. (hey, it was working so far!) Well life has a way of making you play. Its kind of like the movie Jumanji –you have to roll the dice to be dealt your next task or your stuck dealing with whatever you currently have going on. It’s not anything like the board game Life where you have the car with pink and blue pegs in it and get to the end. Life is just one task, lesson, journey after another that you have to figure out.
During my career, I tried to be everything to everyone. In doing so, meant I had a plan. Now, if everyone just did want “I” wanted, it would work! I held on SO TIGHTLY to this notion, that I swear if it were a rock *I* would have been in the Guinness Book Of World records to be the first woman to squeeze blood out of it. Yup! THAT TIGHT. Yet, I had a few moments that I squeezed and squeezed and squeezed….. and nothing happened. Of course, with the battle of the wills going on and seeing I wasn’t going to win – I dropped it, exhaustedly. I had to just say ‘LET THE CHIPS FALL WHERE THEY MAY’. Mind you I may or may not have also said a lovely Four-letter word that begins with F…. and ends with IT as a formal statement…. You get the picture.
What I learned that just shocked my knickers off, was that when I let go of what I was holding onto so tightly…… IT FELL-INTO-PLACE. It was like a magician just going, TAH DAH!!! Was it like *I* thought it should be? NOPE! Nonetheless though, it did. That made me curious…. how the hell did THAT happen?? How come I didn’t see things falling into place THAT way? Could those long, drawn out events, been fixed sooner if I had just believed and let go?
I’ll be honest here. Am I good at letting it all go? That’s a big fat NO! I am the captain of my ship! In charge of steering thru waters. If *I’m* steering, I know I am going to make it, right? Well that’s how it’s supposed to happen in my storybook.
I kept trying do it my way. Yet I’m noticing as time is going on that the more, I held on, the more I became exhausted, tired, and frankly didn’t care. If you have ever been with me when I don’t care? Beware – it’s the wrath of ‘cold’. Does it bother anyone else? Not a bit! It’s my inner child feeling like she’s doing something. It was starting to feel like I was playing a game of tug of war game with my Angels and Guardians. I used to win all the time and now it was not working. I would use all of my strength and will power to make something happen. So, WHY NOT??? Fast forward to one of many “heart to hearts” with God. Let’s just say I wasn’t going to win, and I smelled a lesson in all of this.
Along comes the final chapter with my now ex-husband. I had sought counsel at a few metaphysical shops and learned bits and pieces along the way in my journey. One of the big things that I learned is that life on earth is like school for us. If you don’t do your work and learn the lessons you have to COME BACK AND DO IT AGAIN. Well, I don’t know about you, but that fear was pretty big to me. See, for years and years I repeatedly did not learn my lesson. I would just leave, sharpen my pencil and jump back into the ring basically announcing GAME ON! I would hold on so tightly again to the notion we were supposed to be together, and it still didn’t work. I finally had hit the wall and went to see my attorney. I will never forget his advice. He told me that I wasn’t ready to leave. He said I would be wasting money because he didn’t hear the resolve to be done. Can you imagine that? An attorney that turned me away because I wasn’t ready???? Anyway – things got better for a second and then got worse. I knew that I was REALLY done when I was CRYING UNDERWATER WHILE SCUBA DIVING. Like for reals!!!! I cried. In my world it got that bad. If the fish had tissue they would have offered it to me. That was the final straw. My heart was screaming for me to let this go. Have faith – BLIND FAITH. That I would be alright if I did. I needed to let go of this heavy rock I was holding. I was exhausted, tired, I just wanted out. I was ready to let the chips fall where they may. The struggle was real. I didn’t want to hold on to it anymore.
One morning I couldn’t sleep – I had this routine about going out to the end of my driveway and just sitting there praying. I adore the stars and the moon, and I feel so at home. When I pray – I talk out loud and speak as if my Angels are literally right in front of me. My neighbors walking their dogs before work thought I was squirrely, but I didn’t care. It’s very therapeutic for me to speak. It was that moment that I finally let go of the rock. Thru tears, I said “I DON’T EVER WANT TO FEEL LIKE THIS AGAIN. I WILL NOT COME BACK TO EARTH AND DO THIS SH*# AGAIN. I WILL WALK THRU WHATEVER FIRE YOU NEED ME TO. I AM THAT DONE. GET ME OUT. I SURRENDER.”
And then I let it go.
I have to tell you that there was a peace that came over me. It was to that point – that the fear of staying the same was greater than the fear of change. I have actually learned that is the catalyst for me. When the fear of staying the same is greater than the fear of change – is when I seem to hold my nose and jump into action. I know, I know – I probably make it way more difficult on myself than I need to at times. Regardless. Its my way of doing things.
After that extremely profound moment, I jumped into action directed by nudges that helped me do what I needed to do. My EX even said something seemed different about me. Now, remember, I told my Angels I was willing to walk thru the fire and fire it was. The divorce was no cake walk. It hurt. I was under pressure. I got burned, and they got me out.
I was taking a drive out on an island to clear my head. Sunroof and windows were open, and I flipped thru stations and came across a Joel Osteen message that caught my attention. It was about a piece of coal turning into a diamond by being under pressure. Something about that clicked. I felt like I did indeed go thru fire, but I was now was a diamond. It was such a hard lesson for me. I felt like I had new facets and my eyes were starting to slowly shine again. I asked for it. I was now a diamond and hands down, I had ANGELS on my side.
Fast forward when everything was done. I was ready for a new environment. I knew that moving was the right thing for me. My guidance told me that I was ready for the change. I came up with a price to put my house up for. I got a full price offer. At closing, there was a slight problem on the buyer’s side that was quickly resolved. I was more than over-done. Exhausted on so many levels and in so many ways. With tears in my eyes, I told the closer that I know I’m supposed to move, and it will all work out. Indeed, it did. I probably looked like I was possessed or something when I said it. It didn’t seem like it was me talking, but it was.
Having learned some big lessons already, do I always let go of everything? (*cough, *cough) SURE I DO! (quit laughing!) If I DO feel like I am holding on too tightly, the memory of me at the end of my driveway making that agreement coincidentally pops up in my head. It reminds me to try and release my hold. It’s not always easy. The struggle is real.
So, of late, I have been “warned” of one more big situation that’s coming up for me very soon. Metaphorically, its crossing a bridge so I can’t go back. Back to what? I have no clue. No one will let me know what it is! All I get is that it’s a “cornucopia of events” – and I just need to not hold onto anything to tight but keep my eyes on the big picture. Meanwhile, because I am in a good place, I wrote myself a letter. Its labeled I.C.E. Yes, its to me: from me – in case of an emotional emergency. In it I have reminders of things I might be blind to in the thick of things. Its in a sealed envelope, just in case. I have learned a lot in the past few years. If I am going to have to walk through more fire again, this time, I have my pep-talk letter, I’m putting my sunglasses on, and bringing the marshmallows and a stick with my smores kit!